Ashes to Ashes
by BuzzBuzzAssButt
Summary: When Castiel is murdered for his betrayal to heaven, Dean is left distraught and desperate to have his angel back. He is filled with regret about not telling Cas how he felt about him. A year after his passing Sam comes across a case that may bring Cas back to them but it's not going to be easy and requires Dean to believe in something he just can't have faith in.
1. Chapter 1

He could feel him inside. There was a certain aching feeling that was deeply buried in his chest. He was missing him. Dean knew that Castiel wasn't coming back this time. So many things had been left unsaid. Stubbornness playing a huge factor in it. Dean didn't want to admit that he loved Cas. He was a heterosexual, through and through and confessing that you felt something for another man was hard and he had never been ready and now? Now it was too late. Cas was gone, dead, and there was no miracle cure that they could find and give to him, Cas had been disowned by heaven, his celestial family, his wings violently torn right out of his back and them, along with his body, burned to ash. Dean had seen it all, it was brutal, he had heard the screams of pain that left Cas' body, the way the crimson poured from the open wounds, cascading down his back, pooling at his knees that had been pressed against the floor. The agony in those stunning azure eyes that swelled with hot tears and streamed without reservation. Dean could see and hear how much Cas was hurting, it was beyond any kind of despair. Dean could only watch, forced to see what he had done. Cas had done it all for him, he had killed his brothers, turned his back on his family. It had been all for that one human so now Dean had the live with the guilt that he had killed Castiel, it was the only suitable punishment that would finally teach the wayward angel and human a lesson that they will never make the mistake of doing again.

Dean could feel Cas' grace inside of him, from the many times he had been healed by Cas and the angels aroma was on the trench coat that he gripped in his strong hands. Why did he have to be so damn pigheaded? Why did he take advantage of their friendship? Why the hell did he have to be such a stupid son of bitch for? Cas wasn't just some guy, he wasn't just some random dude. He was Castiel, the angel who pulled him out of hell, killed for him, defended him, healed him, risked his own existence for him. It had been so damn clear that Castiel had loved Dean a lot more then Dean had loved Cas and now that the hunter was realizing it, Castiel was deceased and he couldn't trade anything to get the angel back. He couldn't...he wouldn't even see Castiel ever again. Dean could only let his tears fall onto the tan trench coat, soaking it with his melancholy and pure heartbreak. This was what losing someone you loved unconditionally felt like, he would rather go to hell all over again then feel this 

He could feel his shoulder being gripped in comfort but it only made Dean feel like he was dying. Cas' hand used to feel that way, it used to feel strong and protective like as long as he was around nothing could lay a finger on the hunter and if it did, the angel would be the one to kill it. Castiel as not just his best friend, he was so much more but, as things went, it was too late do anything about it

"I miss him so goddamn much Sammy. You should have seen the pain in his eyes, he was screaming to holy hell. He cried for me, telling ME, HE was sorry as those sons-a-bitches killed him"

The anger and sadness resonated deep in his throat. There was honestly nothing anyone could say that would make him feel any better. There was no one that would bring him back, no one that would stitch the angel back together, this was really goodbye. Dean needed something, he needed a funeral, anything so he could say goodbye to his fallen angel, it had only been two days and Dean was just distraught, coping in the worst way. He had to have some kind of closure. Both of them did. Castiel was their family and you didn't leave family, no matter what.

"I'll miss him too. You know its not your fault Dean. Cas made the choices himself and he didn't regret them"

"Sammy, not that I don't appreciate the pep talk and trying to convince me that this not my doing, you had no idea what Cas thought or felt. He was my goddamn angel so cram it with the bullshit " its not your fault" speech"

Dean knew his younger brother wasn't going to take it to heart. Dean was broken and he was hurting beyond anything he felt before. It was a pain that was unbearable, he wasn't going to be able to stop from yelling and taking it out on Sam, he didn't mean to, but he was just so wholly lost he needed to find a way to change it all, even though there was nothing.

"We should be doing something for him, he was our family. We need to say goodbye to Cas!"

The pain was uncanny to anything that he had felt before, it was excruciating and thought disabling. He could only grip hold of the trench coat and lean against Sam for some kind of support hoping that someday it would stop hurting. But right now it was if it was hell, being a demon, the mark of Cain all at the same time. It felt as if it would never end.

Standing outside the bunker. Dean's jade eyes still drenched with tears looked down at the handmade cross they'd put together with a cut 2x4 and some rope Dean had in the trunk of the sleek jet black Impala. Even baby smelled of Cas, he imagined that if baby were real, she would have loved Castiel. The car always felt so much warmer when he was in it.

"Do you want to go first?"

Sam's voice was too filled with the anguish of loosing someone close but also sympathy. He knew all too well what it was like to lose someone you were in love with. Dean shook his head, he needed to gain some kind of composure first. Even seeing Castiel Winchester written on the horizontal piece of wood in Dean's not so perfect handwriting was soul destroying.

"Cas. I really don't know what to say to you. I always have some idea where to go with these things but this is you. I always thought if anything the roles would be reversed. I never thought I would be saying goodbye to you too. I'm really going to miss you Castiel. It's like saying goodbye to a brother, it hurts man"

"Dean nodded his head, watching as Sam wiped away his own tears with the palms of his hands. Saying it hurt was an understatement. There was nothing more sorrowful then this moment. The despair was thick and shrouded Dean in such torment. Cas dying was his fault and Cas dying without knowing the feelings Dean tried so hard to hide?..he deserved this distress.

He gripped the trench coat again. It should have been how he held Castiel. Like he was the only one he ever deeply, truly loved, categorically, completely. How many times had they traded glances that lasted minutes? How many times had they physically fought, one the verge of killing each other and then memories of their joy and time together would flood back, how many times did they hug, not just in a friendly manner but /really/ hugged. How many damn times had they saved one another? Dean had never been so close to another being, not even Sam, they had a tight brotherly bond but nothing compared to what Dean shared with Cas. Cas was the exception, he was the "one" the one that Dean believed he could never have and it was right there for eight years and in just a moment it had slipped through his fingers. He didn't deserve Cas, and this was how it all came to an end.

"Castiel. If you can hear me you need to come back ok, man? We aren't ready to say goodbye yet, not to you. I need you Cas. More then I have ever needed anything. I'm desperate. You are family buddy, hell, you're more then family. You're my best friend. I love you Cas, more then I have loved anyone. I'm not talking about some chick flick friendship. I know I should have told you and now I am never going to see you again and if I ever get my hands on that son of a bitch I will find a way to kill him!"

The elder Winchester had to stop himself as his anger hit. If he didn't calm down then he was really going to end up killing something, or someone. This was clearly too much for Dean to handle in this moment. He crouched down touching the mounded dirt, beneath it was no body, just a few of things that reminded him of the angel. Some honey ,a copy of the pizza man and babysitter porn, his toothbrush, a burger and a single black feather Dean had kept. His fingers caressing the stirred up ground. His tears falling into dome like shape

"I'm sorry Cas, I know that means shit. But I am"

Dean stood pulling on the trench coat, he wasn't leaving it. It was all he had left and the only way he was giving it up was if someone pried it from his cold dead hands and there was a snowballs chance that was going to happen.

" **-one year later-**

"I swear Sammy, if this is some kind of joke, I will kick your ass like you won't even know"

Dean spoke with his mouth full of blueberry pie as he listened to his brother talking about a potential case that involved people finding feathers and obtaining healing like abilities. Of course Dean had automatically thought it was angels. Since Cas' death they hadn't even seen or heard from any angel, God or other celestial.

"It seems pretty legit. The only thing that seems a little weird is the feathers aren't really what you would called standard"

Dean furrowed his brows in confusion. What the hell was his brother talking about?

"What like a parrot or a peacock or something?"

"Well...more like a phoenix actually"

He practically choked on his food hearing that word. There was no way he was falling for that one. Like he was going to believe that a phoenix was really dropping feathers for people to pick up. He couldn't believe it because if it were possible for a bird to reincarnate from ashes then it seemed only right that Castiel should be able too. Only he wasn't a bird he was human before he was killed, they stripped him of his celestial being and he was human as he was executed, no damn human in the history of the universe had risen from ashes after they were cremated.

Dean turned the computer around, briefly going through the several articles, taking in the images of the fiery red, orange and yellow feathers. It had to be some kind of other bird but he just couldn't figure out how it was even possible it could be anything else.

"So what are you getting at here Sammy? we capture the damned thing and question it hoping it will pull some Tweety Bird, Big Bird crap for us and tell us how to get Cas back?"

He watched his brother give him /that/ look, that look that told him that he was trying and Dean wasn't being very helpful. The elder Winchester gave a quick roll of his eyes, succumbing to the pressure of that puppy dog pout.

"Look all I am saying is what do you really expect from us finding the bird?"

"I don't know Dean, you have been pretending your getting better but still you won't eat a burger, you won't take off his trench coat, you carry his ashes with you. You still miss him and you're still hurting. We need to get Cas back because if we don't you are going to end up being one of those crazy people with prescriptions for wall paper and eating newspaper"

It was an almost funny image if he hadn't actually considered it could possibly happen. He was still missing Cas and it still hurt like a heart attack. Sam was right, Dean had only taken the trench coat off when he showered, he wore it all the time even when he slept. Some of the angels ashes were inside a small vile that he wore around his neck, against the necklace that Sam had given him. He hadn't eaten a burger or had sex, anytime he felt the desire to masturbate he had images of his angel as he was beating off. He had ignored it in the past, indulged in fucking women without further attachment. Drowning out the thoughts of wanting to be intimate with his angel. But now he pictured those azure eyes, those perfect lips, those dense black feathered wings. He was so damn beautiful. That was of course information that he wasn't willing to share.

"You think that if we find this phoenix that it will be able to bring him back?"

"It's worth a shot, we really don't gave anything to lose"

"Well.."

Dean started, wiping his mouth of the left over food with a paper napkin. He stood up looking at Sam with an eagerness he hadn't felt in a while. He knew this was probably not going to go anywhere but it was a rope, even though it was short, it was still something to grab at.

"Let's go catch us a bird"


	2. Chapter 2

Dean looked up at the building where the last feather had been reportedly found. He was starting to feel like he was stuck in a Scooby-Doo episode, running around chasing after a bird that probably didn't even exist. He had seen his fair share of weird things in his time but this was so farfetched. He had to remind himself that this might have been a lead to get Castiel back and he had to try and be a bit more open but he didn't have the faith that his little brother had. He had to silently thank Sammy for being all in for this and trying to find resolve and as much as Dean wanted Cas back he was sure they were on a wild goose- well phoenix, chase that was just going to end in disappointment.

"Museum of Ancient Greece. I didn't even know they had one of these in Colorado"

Dean said stepping out of the Impala parked on the side of the road, directly in front of the museum's stairs that led to the double door entrance. His brows lightly furrowed as green eyes observed the sign that so proudly rested on of one of the extravagant marble ledges. Who ever wanted this building erected didn't give a damn about money apparently. He looked at the Greek symbols that were chiseled underneath the English.

"Neither did I but the curator here was the one that found the feather and claimed it to belong to a phoenix, if anyone knows anything it's going to be him"

Dean nodded his head and reached in opening the glove compartment and retrieving two photograph identification tags showing they were reporters for the New York Times. It was amazing how many times that they had got away with this. They weren't exactly amateurs by now but it was still rather remarkable that they hadn't been busted more often.

Dean fixed the blue tie and clipped the tag to the pocket of Cas' trench coat that he guarded with his life. It had a few burn marks and holes that had been patched up, he didn't know how Castiel fought demons and angels in the damn thing, it always got in the way but he was still not going to take it off. As long as it was the only thing, beside the ashes, that Dean had then he was going to keep it. If it needed dry cleaning or fixing then he would part with in for that small time but most of the time it was in his vision.

Entering the museum it was extravagant. It was not /that/ much of a surprise but it certainly wasn't necessary. They had seen past and visited museums that were no bigger then a standard house. There was a giant fountain set in the middle of the foyer, a naked woman holding a vase and it appeared as if she was pouring the water into the rest of the tiers. It was all very over the top, even the paintings on the walls, they were almost as big as the walls and all depicted naked bodies or war. Dean looked around the room as Sam got the information of the curator.

Taking the elevator up to the third door they were led into an office that had Greek replica art all over the room. Dean scoffed a little

"Obsessed much?"

The hunter joked, warranting one of those looks from Sammy. That look that told him he was being a douche again, but before he could even argue they were greeted by a rather tall, grey haired elderly man that had had thick glasses and nicotine stains in the white beard that had hairs that curled into his lips.

"Ah you boys must be from the New York Times, please have a seat"

Dean smiled and sat down, taking out a small note pad from the trench coat and a pen

"Yes, this is Simmons, I'm Stanley. What can you tell us about the feather you have found? It's be rumored you have obtained...healing powers from it?"

The elder Winchester tried to ignore the mocking tone in his voice. He was very skeptical about this. Vampires, werewolves, fairies even, he go it, but a bird rising from the ashes? It was just- weird. Still it was that very small rope that he was handed and the least he could do is try to entertain the idea so that Sam didn't feel like he was wasting their time.

"It's remarkable. It was like it had dropped out of no where. I have been doing this for forty five years and never thought I would ever see it. It was a phoenix feather and since I picked it up I have felt so alive"

"Do you have this feather? Or any theories on where it came from?"

Dean watched the elder male as Sam spoke as if he was trying to see a hint of a lie or some misleading information. He knew by now when someone was yanking their chain.

"Actaeon of course"

"Actaeon?"

The green eyed man cocked his brow. He knew very little about Greek mythology but with how the old man looked and the tone in his voice told him that he was being bullshited. Either the man was full of it but believed he was telling the truth or he was a crazy cook with some wild story, either way, Dean considered himself, now slightly interested.

"Actaeon, he was a famous Theban hero and the God of wild animals. He was a hunting partner of Artemis but he had been curse by her after seeing her bathe naked, she had said that if he ever spoke then he would be turned into a stag. Well you know most of us tend to not obey rules, he spoke and was ripped apart by his pets, Hyginus, dogs"

"And you think that Actaeon, dropped phoenix feathers?"

The old man chuckled and shook his head, looking at Dean like he was crazy.

"I am not crazy! No, I think Actaeon is the one in possession of the bird that has been dropping it's feathers, the phoenix's master, if you will"

"And you believe Actaeon is here? In Colorado?"

Dean was sure that Sam, by this point felt this was just was weird too. Greek gods? Well they had met their fair share of gods in the past. It wasn't COMPLETELY unreasonable. But still Dean couldn't buy this whole phoenix thing, he wanted to, he really did he wanted to believe in anything that would bring his Castiel back. It felt wrong to be on hunts without him. It made him feel like he was cheating or something. It was an irrational feeling but it was his heart felt. Castiel was always there with them, he was always there, sometimes he made things a bit- weird but he certainly made things interesting. Cas was missing and it was hard to ignore that. Dean needed his angel, the more he went out of jobs with Sammy the more he had to choke down his feelings. He had spent the last year learning to cope, given it was in some really peculiar ways but it was hard not to remember the better times they had, the Winchester's had, all three of them, no matter what that was what the angel was, he was a Winchester too.

"Yes! There no other explanation. It had to be him. If you want answers to who dropped the feathers- I think this will help"

The man passed over a book to Sam, who instantly looked at the cover, observing the text that was written on the front of it. Dean leaned over to glance at the title _Greek Mythology for Beginners_ well he probably should have been insulted, being treated like a child but it was accurate. They only knew the basics and if they were going to be hunting a Greek God then it was going to be helpful is some way or another.

"You can keep it, now if you excuse me I have a feather that I need to place of display"

With such a polite goodbye, Dean and Sam were leaving the museum. The moment they were in the car Dean sat behind the wheel letting out a huff of discontent. His jade gaze shifting to his brother that was already flicking through the contents of the book they were given.

"You aren't really buying this crap are you?"

"We have seen less believable stuff Dean, remember the hotel with Gabriel? There were plenty of deities there"

"I'm talking about the damn bird Sammy, I mean I get the whole resurrection thing. We are solid evidence of that, but ashes? I don't know a lot about phoenix's but it feels- impossible"

Dean shook his head. How could he have faith in this when it was too unbelievable? Were they going to really be able to resurrect Cas from his ashes, what if it didn't work? Then he would lose them. There was so much to consider. It was making Dean feel like he had a jackhammer in his skull. He needed a beer and he needed some sleep. He wanted this to be something he got a chance to think about. He had considered ways to bring Cas back for the past 12 months but the idea of using his ashes was something he had avoided. They had seen many experts in the matters of resurrection but they had all said the same thing, some even asked him if Castiel would even want to be brought back, each time he consulted with a medium, they could never find him, what if he didn't want to be brought back? From where ever he was? What if it was pointless, angels didn't have souls, what would be left of him after his physical demise? What if these ashes were ever going to be it? Even those thoughts alone were breaking Dean's heart. Even if it wasn't true he needed to hear it, he needed to hear that they were going to bring back Cas.

"We are going to get him back, aren't we Sammy?"

"Yeah Dean, we're going to get him back. Cas is waiting for us and someway or another we will bring him back"

Dean and looked through the pages of the book, reading up on this hero. It was complicated but it seemed this god and Dean had slight things in common, but it was no help really. It wasn't telling him how they could find him, summon him or anything of the sorts. Dean looked to the other bed, Sam slept peacefully. Like he nothing to worry about. He missed sleep. It eluded him now and even four hours was asking a lot. He got up, quietly making his way out of the hotel room and to the Impala. The hunter sat on the boot, eyes drifting up the the star dusting navy sky, no hint of the moon anywhere tonight. He never prayed anymore, not since God killed Cas. He refused to even give the acknowledgment. But to Cas, it was every single night.

"Cas. I don't know how many times I have prayed to you. I don't even know if you can hear me. I'm missing you man. I love you Cas and even a year later it hurts like a son of a bitch. Sam and I we are going to find a way to bring you back. I know there is a snowballs chance but any chance is enough"

Dean took the necklace that held Cas' ashes in it. This was harder for him to grasp then any other concept. His palm securely holding the vile. The only physical evidence other then the trench coat that was a reminder the angel existed.

"I just need you to do something buddy, anything, just let me know this is what you want. Just show me Cas, show me that you want to be back with us. I am obvious not so great at subtle hints so I would appreciate it if you know, jack it up a little bit"

It was only when he finished saying what he had suddenly heard the radio in Baby. Dean slid off the back, unlocking the door as quick as he could to get inside the vehicle as "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey played. Dean's eyes swelled with tears and the smile formed on his face. There was no way that it could play by itself. He could have been getting his hopes up but this was a sign to him, a sign for him not to give up.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you for the faves and likes. Also thank you for letting me know about the error with the text monsterswagger. I have corrected the strange codings.

Warning- Dean masturbating scene

Dean had sat in Baby. His forest green eyes fixed on the radio that had now turned off. He couldn't move he just sat there in the seat. As if he were waiting for Castiel to show up. It felt like he had fallen down the rabbit hole. It was following the clues to hopefully get some kind of resolve. The strands of the rope were fraying, then came together again only to fray once more. Nothing was ever easy, Dean knew that more then anyone. It was always going to be an uphill battle, forcing a boulder before them too. It was a constant strain that sometimes was too much pressure. Dean knew he wasn't alright, even after a year, he was succumbing to the madness that came with little sleep. He thought he would have been better, he thought he would have been ok and he and Sam would go about their family business and eventually he would heal. Was it possible that time didn't heal this kind of wound? To hold so much guilt and so much remorse for the things he did and didn't do. He knew that despair had a way of keeping ghosts on earth but Cas couldn't have been a ghost he didn't have a soul and no one was able to tell him what happened to his vessels soul, either way the skin bag wasn't Cas the angel inside it was. Even if Jimmy Novak had somehow passed on that wasn't Castiel.

He almost wanted to ask for Cas to give him another sign but he didn't want to push it. If it was Castiel then he didn't want to overwhelm him. He didn't know where the angel was, if anywhere at all for all Dean knew that wherever Cas was, caused him immense amount of pain to contact him and that was why he hadn't been able to before. The eldest Winchester knew in his heart that Cas would have contacted him if he could. He would have reached out to him in some form or another. To Dean this was Cas' sign.

He waited for only an hour more. Suddenly disrupted by the glow of the sun rising over the horizon. He had no sleep at all but right now sleep was not important. Finding the god was. He could sleep later, if Sam had some kind of lead then they would follow it until Dean simply couldn't stand anymore.

The light that penetrated the window's of the Impala and Dean took that as his cue to go back into the hotel room. Sam was still sleeping when he came in, it gave him a chance to shower and try and get refreshed as possible.

The water that hit Dean's face felt like the gentle kiss of rain on his lightly bronzed flesh, decorated with a sweet scatter of freckles. He closed his eyes letting the cascade wash over him. There was only the fall of water, the rest was silence. Not a single bird chirping, not a single car engine or another voice. Just the water. He took a deep breath in, his slightly parted lips being touched by a few trickles that crept into his mouth. His hands gradually touched over his tired body, touching the contours of his abdominal muscles. He needed this, he needed the relaxation and he need the relief. His hand brushed over his flaccid length, a trembled sigh left his lips. How long had it been since he had done this? He honestly couldn't remember. The last time he touched himself he tried to think of one of his sexual encounters with a woman but the moment he closed his eyes he saw Castiel. Those beautiful azure eyes that were like the most stunning aquamarine. The smile, he could melt the hearts of the most evil. The thick chocolate brown hair that had a certain scent to it, nothing bad, it was just...Castiel.

Dean swallowed hard, trying to compose himself as he felt his cock harden against his hand. The stiffness of the shaft instantly pulsing to his tender touch. Slowly he curled his fingers around the rigid length and started to stroke in long, timid pumps.

"Cas"

The name left his lips in a deep yet gentle whisper, the water soaking his hand acting as a continual waterfall of lubricant. The more Dean stroked himself the more he relaxed his mind, soon focusing on only one thing, to have an orgasm. It was certainly long awaited. The hunter continued to stroke, building up the pace, his lips quivering only panting that one name, Castiel. He could almost feel the angels hands on him, holding him. One hand on his chest the other surfacing down wards and guiding Dean's hand back and forth to reach that impending perpetual bliss. He really felt him there, Dean could feel Cas with him and it was what had bought him to his orgasm. He was a panting mess for a few moments after the release of the streams of white that had hit the tiled wall and was instantly washed away.

Once he had that release he left the shower, wrapping a towel around him, drying, changing and moving back into the main room with the beds, television and a little kitchen. Sam finally awake and sitting at the small round table on one of the chairs that looked uncomfortable enough for his younger brother to look as if he had ants down his pants.

"Hey"

A simple and common greeting for Dean Winchester, even towards his brother. He was still slightly flushed in the cheeks but he knew Sam wouldn't mention it unless he wanted to be told to shut his bitch mouth or possibly beaten the crap out of in the sense of a punch to the arm or some kind of slap of the face.

"Hey"

"So Cas contacted me last night, in Baby. He played a song on the radio"

Straight to the point, there was no point in dicking around with it. He could see the pure look of shock on Sam's face. There was surprise and some disbelief to, though minor. Mostly Dean just saw that hopeful puppy dog like look on his far too innocent face, though he had to admit that it had saved them from getting in trouble sometimes, one look from Sam and women and sometimes men were a melted puddle.

"Don't look at me like that, you bastard, you are the one that started all of this"

Dean's voice lightly pitching with some anger, it was true, this was Sam's doing. He had encouraged all of this and Dean was just reacting in the way one would in this sort of situation. If you believed you got a message from someone from beyond the grave, a message from someone you loved, then most people would take it seriously, whether it was belief of desperation.

"Look Dean, I am not saying it didn't happen, but are you sure you weren't just tired?"

"Goddammit, Sammy. I know what I heard. Baby was turned off and the radio came on, not a tape, THE RADIO. He played don't stop believin' for me. I can't explain it, I asked for a sign and he gave me one. Cas is out there is somewhere in some form so we are going to find this god dude and use the ashes to bring him back"

There was a thick determination in Dean's voice. He knew that Sam thought he was nuts but still he gave that supportive "I trust you" look. If the roles were reversed he would have thought his brother was bonkers. He knew what he had heard and he had considered it was another angel or possibly a demon screwing with him but in heart he had to believe that it was Castiel. Because that faith was all he had left.

"Please tell me you have something, anything"

He watched Sam turn to the laptop, hit a few keys and started to read through the text on the screen. It wasn't like Dean was expecting something to just pop up and tell them how to find Actaeon but he was hoping for something, just a direction on where to go at the least.

"According to this Actaeon has a bed which is located in Megara, but since he seems to be here in Colorado. I looked into other things that he may be attracted to, somewhere more human he might be. Apparently he symbolizes ritual human sacrifice in attempt to please a God or Goddess. In the case of Actaeon, the dogs symbolize the sacrifices and Actaeon symbolizes the sacrifice. Actaeon also may symbolize a human curiosity or irreverence"

Dean thought over Sam's words for a moment. Contemplating the many possibilities that they could go with.

"So either he is hanging out with a bunch of man eating dogs or he his where? a school for the disrespectful? and how is he connected to the phoenix?"

"Actaeon is also a symbol for spiritual transformation, the phoenix is a symbol of rebirth they go hand in hand"

"And the feathers? Why is dog meat letting the phoenix drop them, for human's to pick up so they can heal?"

Dean could hear the cynicism in his own tone. He had been hyped up to find Castiel and get the god to bring him back. His impatience was scratching at him, telling him to just go, ask questions later but they needed all the facts, they needed to know what it was going to take to get the angel back to them. He just wanted to have quick answers, though he was well aware that it wasn't that easy. The quicker Sam got to the point, the better and the closer Dean would get to getting his angel back to him.

"I don't think he is. If he has the phoenix, I doubt he would be actually doing this. Actaeon hated the way he did and his dogs had so much remorse for killing him, if Actaeon is back then he used the phoenix and if that were me-"

"You'd be trying to find your mutts to let them know you aren't pissed with them and if you wanted to find wild dogs that would kill for stag meat?"

Dean smiled, almost biting into his lip as he offered a glimmer of excitement and maybe even joy. He was feeling burnt out but this was a spark of much needed energy. He could almost feel it in his bones, in his heart. He was another step closer to Cas being back with them. His up and down of doubt and excitement was wearing him thin and it was fucking with his mind but even with the fluctuation of up and down spirits, Dean was starting to have a little bit more faith.

"Colorado Wolf and wildlife center"

Dean nodded his head, giving that distinct look that came with the idea that he and Sam would be on the road, hard rock music pumping. On a mission to save an angel.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean looked at the cabin that had the "Reception/Office" sign above it. The black furry looking writing practically popping off the white wood. He knew this seemed crazy, they were at a wolf park looking for an ancient god to find a phoenix to resurrect an angel. Too bad that this was considered a normal day for the Winchesters. Dean checked his pocket making sure that he had the essentials, holy water, holy oil, silver- you could never be too prepared after all though they had no idea /how/ to kill a God they needed at least to be protected in case this turned from bad to worse.

They were going to ask an ancient Greek idol to bring back their angel. They had no leverage, all Dean had was a plead and a hope that this guy had a soft spot that he could manipulate. He was going to have to remember to not be a smart-ass this may have been the only chance they had to get Cas back and couldn't blow it because he was a douche bag.

Never had he imagined he would be resurrecting an angel. If someone had told him he would be doing this nine years ago, before he even met Castiel he would have laughed followed by "Are you yanking my chain, cause I gotta tell you this whole people bird hybrid thing is a load of crap" He had no belief in the what so ever and yet Cas took an interest in him. Out of the nine billion people on Earth, Cas chose Dean and while it might not have been his decision in the first place, it was his choice to stick around and it was his choice to fight and die for Dean. Cas could have gone back to heaven, he could have been at peace with his family but instead he chose humanity, he chose Dean.

The hunter once again clenched his hand around the vile that held the little amount of the angels remains.

"Alright lets go meet this guy, just if you think I am about to say something that would piss him off, punch me or something"

"You want me to punch you?"

Dean smiled as they existed the Impala, looking at Sammy with a smirk that said he was about to say something dick like, he needed to get it out of his system after all other wise he knew he would fuck all this up.

"Well you hit like a bitch, so yeah"

"You are such a jerk, Dean"

The younger Winchester shook his head. How he had put up with Dean for this long was an wonderment in it's own. Approaching the cabin, Dean noticed the grey wolf that was sitting quietly close by, nothing doing anything in particular just sitting there, like it was nothing but a statue. His nose scrunched slightly and his brows creasing in a bit of confusion, that was a bit weird but nevertheless he drew his attention back to the case at hand. He didn't even know what he was supposed to say, he was going to have to think of something quick or just go all out.

When there was no reply he turned to Sam who shrugged his shoulders so before Sam would go ahead and pick the lock so they could snoop around. He tried the door handle. Which had surprisingly been unlocked. Most people would have felt guilt for making themselves welcome into a strangers "home" but this was like picking ones nose for the Winchesters an action that was almost involuntary and performed on a daily basis.

"Hello"

Dean called out as they entered the cabin, his deep voice ringing out so that anyone that was busy on the phone or lost in their work would have heard him. On first glance, nothing seemed to be out of place. It was all very normal, a reception desk, a computer and phone, two doors at the back, one labeled as the bathroom the other was marked as the office- private.

"Hello?"

He called out again waiting at the desk, hand slipping into his pocket and gently gripping the handle of his gun, finger kissing the trigger, just in case he had to use it. The sound of rummaging and inhuman groaning came from the door marked "bathroom" Dean turned his gaze to Sam who nodded his head. Slowly the hunter approached the door. His thick combat boots making little sound as he approached. Gentle step by step, his gun retrieved from his pocket aiming at what would be an average chest height. Once more his eyes moved to Sam for a moment then back to the door. His breathing held hostage, his heart pounding in his chest and a lump forming into his throat. His hand reached for the rounded door handle. Fingers less then an inch of grabbing the surface when the door suddenly flung open

"I HEARD YOU THE GODDAMN FIRST TIME!"

Dean gasped and breathed out from his held panic, clicking on the safety of the weapon, and forcing his hands onto his thighs, arching over to try and catch his breath.

"Put the goddamn gun away will ya! What the hell do you think this is? Hawaii five- o?"

As Dean slipped the gun back into the pocket of the trench coat he stood up. Now to make the apology. Clearly this guy had a bad temper on him and Dean was here for a favor...from a stranger. Once he stood he was a little taken aback when he saw that this guy was lucky to reach five foot two, if that. He was bald on top, grey around the sides and back, glasses as thick as Coke bottle bottoms. Jade green eyes moved to the name tag that was pinned to a damn ugly charcoal grey windcheater, which was even more surprising since it actually read the name "ACTAEON" Dean was sure that this was some kind of joke. It had to be. It couldn't be this easy. Though the last time they had meant a bunch of gods they weren't exactly shy in hiding their true selves, well except Chuck and as far as Dean was concerned God was a hateful piece of shit whom he was going to kill one day for taking his angel's existence and taking Castiel away from

"Actaeon?"

Dean asked looking /down/ at the tiny man. He was sure this was not really happening, maybe he was hallucinating from the lack of sleep, maybe he was actually so deep into a slumber somewhere and this was a dream, but it felt damn real.

"Idiot Dean Winchester and your idiot brother Sam Winchester. Well I wish I could say it was a pleasure but you two are grade A douche bags"

The eldest Winchester looked to Sam giving him the "Can you believe this shit" look which was returned with an even more profound "What the fuck is going on" look. This was almost new to them, sure they had come across others that had known who they were before but not like this and they certainly hadn't had the experience of meeting someone that was so...bold. Which told Dean one thing. This guy could say what he liked because he knew that they would have no chance in hell of even scratching him. Not that Dean assumed that they would but they had fought some pretty nasty sons-a-bitches in the past.

"Hello are you mentally challenged or something? Guess that's a stupid question given the shit you two have done in the past. Oh yeah I heard all about it. You really are dicks you know"

"Ah...We're sorry?"

Dean was still a little taken aback by all this. This was honestly the strangest interaction that he had ever had.

"Pfft yeah, sure you are. Sit down idiot one, you too idiot two. We need to have a little talk I know why you are here and I might be able to help you"

That caused Dean to smile like he had never shown before, his heart picking up pace again. Was this really going to be this easy? It seemed just too easy there was something else here. A stipulation, something there just had to be. He wasn't going to get Castiel back so smoothly there was going to be some sort of fine line that he was going to find out before agreeing to anything.

They had both taken a seat once they were led to the office. Dean nor Sam could be take their eyes off of it. There it was the phoenix. It was beautiful, large and the colour of fire. The Winchesters completely silent as they gawked at the creature that was sleeping sitting on the wooden bar the had gone from one side of the room to the other

"Please tell me you friggen see that, I swear to – Dad. If I am the only one seeing this I need you to check me into the loony bin"

Dean spoke still not looking away from the bird that seemed to wake at the sound of his voice even though he had tried to whisper. But how could one keep calm in this kind of situation?

"No I see it too. You aren't seeing things"

The bird suddenly made a racket, squeaking, feathers flapping before it left it's perch and found it's way to Dean's shoulder. The hunter froze, eyes wide and the look of panic and "holy fucking shit" on his handsome face. He was sure that this was not happening, it couldn't be. This was some alternate reality, they touched a cursed object in the museum or something.

"You might want to sit still as much as you can. Make any sudden movements and you'll scare it to death"

Dean tightened even more hearing the warning from the Danny DeVito crossed Santa looking god. None of this made sense to him but he wasn't going to hold the responsibility of killing what was probably the last known phoenix in existence.

"So how do you know us and how is this even possible I mean it's unrealistic and we have seen some crazy stuff in our time"

Sam pretty much covered everything that Dean was going to say though his younger brother was a bit more tame with his words. Dean would have likely exclaimed "What the fuck!" with some velocity behind it, because that is exactly what he was thinking. When the phoenix seemed to get a little closer to Dean, picking at the loose cotton threads on the coat he tried to move his head a little and focus on what what actually being said

"I've watched you idiots for a long time. You think that I am honestly really one of those crack gods? That shit is a load of nonsense. The problem you morons have is that you miss subtle signs. I had to go this far to get you idiots to find me and you Hardy Boys rejects should have been able to use your damn heads and realize that you didn't have to go to this effort to get a damn answer"

Dean glared at the man, he hardly appreciated being called stupid, he was about to raise his voice but remembered the bird on his shoulder

"You know what, bite me. I am tried as hell and you don't have to be an asshole about this. I lost my best friend, someone I- I gave a great deal of a damn about so you could ease up on the insults. Cause it still hurts like a damn heart attack so give me a friggen break man"

He kept his voice to as much of a whisper as he possibly could. But he was angry, he was stressed and tired and this was not what he wanted and he was sure if the bird hadn't decided to become friendly with him he would have put a bullet through the gods head. But that was when Dean actually heard what had been said, this wasn't

"What the hell do you mean your not a Greek god?"

He added before he got a response from his previous statement

"Calm down you dick. You really think Castiel can be killed that easy? You really are a moron. Cassie isn't dead I know it's been awhile but please I wouldn't be the damn trickster if I couldn't bring my dear little brother back from the dead"

"Gabriel.."

The Winchester's voices echoed. Both becoming shocked, no shocked was to much of a subtext what Dean was feeling was indescribable. This was really Gabriel and Cas was really still alive? This was too much to handle

"Surprise douche bags"

Dean still sat there as he watched Sam get up and hugged the tiny man. Having to bend over a great deal to embrace. It looked like a giant hugging a child and Dean would have probably made some unsavory comment about it if he wasn't still in a trance over what was just said. He turned his eyes to the bird on his shoulder who was looking at him, their eyes meeting. Those eyes, those blue as Caribbean eyes

"Cas?"

He whispered to the bird. The tears welling in his eyes. Watching the bird nodding its head. The liquid streaked down Dean's freckled cheeks as he slowly offered his hand to the bird who instantly nuzzled against it, looking at Dean. This was really his angel.


	5. Chapter 5

"Alright what gives, Gabriel?"

Dean tried hard not to raise his voice. He didn't want to startle Castiel. The last thing he needed was once again having the angel...phoenix in the palm of his hand and then it once again slip away for a single gesture.

"Well my vessel was getting a little worse for wear so I had to hi-jack this bastard. As for Cassie well not that you in particular wouldn't know cause you are as thick as a brick, is the only true way to resurrect from ashes. Now because I didn't have all of the ashes I couldn't restore him. If you want Castiel back I need the rest of them"

Dean remained as still as he could even though he just wanted to scream. This was fucking insane. INSANE!It was out of this world. Gabriel was a short fat balding man, Castiel was a phoenix. What next? The elder Winchester didn't even know how to process it but if these ashes that he had was going to get Cas back then he needed to hand them over but not until he knew for a certain that Gabriel wasn't yanking their chain.

"Gabriel, I mean I am glad you're alive but- and I don't mean for this to sound like it's going to but how do we know that you aren't you know, jerking us around?"

Apparently Sam had exactly the same thoughts. Though when Dean looked at Gabriel, even in their kind of out of place meat suit, there was something in those aging eyes. Gabriel was a fucking wank, and he certainly killed Dean plenty of times but he did know for one thing that the archangel loved his brothers, he loved all his family very much, he would have wanted Cas to be saved, no matter what. They all loved their brothers and father and they would have always tried to save each other. Gabe was a douche but he wasn't so much so that he wasn't going to lie about this.

"Can you really bring him back, I swear to god you son of a bitch, if you are telling me that you can bring him back and you don't..."

"Please, I am an archangel DEAN, unlike you I actually am useful, just give me the ashes"

Dean sighed looking at the phoenix, Cas. He had to believe in Gabriel. He didn't even have a choice anymore. It was trusting Gabriel or it was nothing and if it really meant that he could have his angel back then he was going to comply, no matter how much he hated this idiot. Dean reached for the ashes around his neck. His eyes looking to the side my make sure that his sudden movements didn't alarm Castiel. He fingers graced the small vile, moving it around and realizing that he would have the hardest time unclasping it

"Can I get a little help here, Sammy?"

"Oh, yeah"

He almost rolled his eyes when he could feel his brother starring at him as if he was waiting for an invitation to carry out the action. It was obvious that he wasn't going to be able to do it himself. Without blinking, he watched the vile touch the archangel's open palm and he drew in a deep sullen breath. This was the most nervous Dean had ever been. He was really going to get Castiel back? He hadn't even come to terms with Cas' death and now there was a possibility that he was going to be back. He had tried to move on. He had tried so desperately to say good bye. He had tried to pull away the trench coat, he had tried to release the ashes but every time he did, he felt like he was losing something. He felt like if he let go of the only thing he had left of Castiel then he would lose everything and Dean was just never ready and now he was midway between grieving and excitement.

As if he was watching the most gruesome part of a horror movie, his jade eyes were not able to shift from Gabriel as he watched the angel tip the ashes into his hand. Slowly Gabriel approached the bird, the lump Dean held in his throat, he tried to swallow it but it was virtually impossible. Then realized that Gabriel was looking at him in a somewhat sympathetic way

"What?"

"You do get that Castiel won't be an angel anymore right? He probably will be a little off"

Dean read between the lines. He knew that Gabriel meant that Castiel would probably be a little loopy, probably so far from being Castiel that he remembered. But he didn't care, he would do whatever he could to help Castiel. He would stay with him, do whatever it took to fix him, glue him back together and he wasn't going to let Cas go another day without him knowing exactly how Dean felt about him, It didn't really matter if he was a celestial or not. Cas was Cas, with or without the wings or bent halo or what ever the hell it was that angel's had. If Gabriel could get him back then he was going to rebuild the angel...human, whatever Castiel was going to be.

"Yeah I figured, just do it Gabriel, spare me the Doctor Phil shit and give me back Castiel"

He was clearly not messing around and it had already been a long year. It was time for that resolve and for Castiel to come back where he truly belonged. With a great expectation in his heart, Dean watched as Gabriel moved Castiel to the perk that he had originally been sitting on. The hand clenched around the ashes in his fist.

"Ego sum resurrectio et vita. Qui credit in me, vivet, licet moriatur"

Dean watched Gabriel sprinkling the ashes over the fiery feathers. He had seen things like this before, this was far more intense. It felt like every second he was being choked, short of breath trying to dismiss the lump that had lodged itself in his throat. He needed for this to work. It had to work. It was probably selfish but Dean needed Castiel. There was nothing about it that was an inconclusive notion. He NEEDED Cas in his life. As the final ash fell onto the bird it was a quick abruption of flames, a spontaneous combustion. Dean was unable to draw his eye away as the bird burned

"GABRIEL. TELL ME THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING?"

He looked at the angel with a distinct panic in his eyes. This had better been part of the plan or he was going to strangle that damn trickster.

"Cool your jets Dean-O just watch, moron"

With that little bit of faith left he turned back to the bird that was nothing more then ash at this point but it was hardly over. As if it were a dream, a very unrealistic dream, those ashes crawled like a eerie mist from the pile that had formed on the perch. Speck by speck it drifted down to the floor and before them, both hunters and the angel, they watched the ashes form the shape of a human body. It was nothing that Dean had ever experienced it was a mind fuck, completely insane. He was going to have to question his sanity after this, he was going to have to go get some pills of the feeble minded once this was finished.

As the ashes formed, compacting together they revealed more then just a shape, the were starting to show a man, that man morphing into Castiel. Dean could feel himself starting to breath again but then that feeling of his heart being squeezed. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing but it was a rather trivial aspect given what was actually occurring before them. It was only moments from the ashes coming together that Dean found himself looking at Castiel. What he had looked like inside of Jimmy Novak, what he had been when Dean had last seen him.

"Cas?"

He could only stare at the former angel, waiting for Castiel to say something to him. He had to at least remember him, right? He had to. He was the last one that Cas had seen before he was executed. If he was going to remember anyone it had to be the hunter. He had Castiel back and even if he had to remind him who he was..Dean was going to make sure that the beautiful male was going to be alright

"Castiel? Can you hear me?"

He tried again, the desperation was think in his voice. He needed Cas to respond to him. He was looking right at him and Dean had completely ignored the angel was bare. It seemed reasonable that the clothes he had died it wouldn't have come through

"Ah, Dean"

He turned his head momentarily to see that Sam was gesturing to the naked form. Dean took a quick look and quickly removed the trench coat that he had worn and pulled int over the naked man, helping him into the coat and buttoning it up closed.

"You're going to be alright Cas, I promise"

He looked into those stunning Caribbean like blue eyes that he had starred so intently at over and over again. He had really missed those eyes, he had missed everything about them, about him.

"Hello, Dean"

Those words, in that voice. Dean had felt like he had died and gone to heaven but without the dick angels and contradictory rules. Cas remembered him.


End file.
